Where does the pervert keep the underwear he steals? In his briefcase!

Why are spiders good swimmers ? They have webbed feet !

I bet if a renaissance artist traveled through time to a modern museum, they’d be like: “Uh-oh. Someone leaked my nudes.”

The number one problem in the world today is apathy. But who cares?

Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other.

Whenever someone says “you know who you are,” I always wonder if it’s me and I don’t realize it.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” – me, peeping at you in the shower

Why did the spelling bee champ have to go to rehab? He was hooked on phonics.

And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.