I always tell my kids to stay in school… but they keep fucking coming back.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. …and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” “No,” slurs the mathematician… “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

If you hold the ocean up to your ear, it sounds just like a sea shell.

Can you really take sticks and twigs and make them into clothing? Sew it wood seam

Why was the programmer lonely? Off-by-one error. 🙁

Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice? On the average, he was quite comfortable.

Birds A duck walks into a restaurant. After eating a whole meal, he says to the waiter “Just put is on my bill”

Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills It was a cut throat competition

that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse

How does a police officer go to the bathroom? Ctrl+C