They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

What if the missing plane is still up there? “What?” Did you check the sky? “No.” See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

Your face… …looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a hammer.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequillllaaaa

How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None, they’ve invented torches.

WHat’s the worst part of being a black jew? You have to sit in the back of the gas chamber

Never understood the point of black friday Could have sworn we already gave them a whole month

I’d do anything to never be hungover again Except stop drinking

If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic!

Hey, having a good conversation with the cashier? Great. Hurry the fuck up. We have lives, sort of.