What’s the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does.

My gassy dog might be the leader of Russia… …because she is always Putin.

If you’re reading this.. then you are not Floyd Mayweather.

So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits Where’s my dental plan, you slut? (source, college humor)

I walked into the boss’s office and handed him a pear. “What’s this for?” He asked. “A pay rise.” I replied. “My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you.”

How can you tell when you are talking to an extroverted engineer? They look at your feet instead of theirs.

What did the man say while holding a square clock? I’m holding Time Square!

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

So my friend told me I don’t understand the meaning of irony… It was ironic because I was sitting on a park bench.

Why couldn’t the two melons get married? Because they cantaloupe! I’ll see myself out now…