People that say “God never gives you more than you can handle” never met my ex-girlfriend.

Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

How do you drown a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Put a line of peas around the hole. When the polar bear takes a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

I used to have a phone with a really good user interface… …but someone swiped it.

It was my son’s birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

What will the “Red Hot Chili Peppers” become when they die? Ghost Peppers.

My wife was raped by a mime He preformed unspeakable acts on her

How do you make rape funny? You force it

Confucius say . . . . Man who wrong on elevator, wrong on many levels.