I once met a girl with twelve boobs. Sounds fake, dozen tit?

Patron: This bread is stale. Waiter: It wasn’t last week.

A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar… I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.

Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Please make sure “to” put your air quotes around the right words

I have but one question Why did curiousity kill the cat?

They said “orange is the new black”… …but I didn’t realise they meant Trump would replace Obama.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.