‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

What do you call a dead baby ,who fights crime? Miscarriage of Justice

I weighed myself today, then I ate the scale.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven. I laughed. … She stared at me until I paid her.

My nutritionist said that instead of eating three big cheeseburgers I should have multiple, smaller cheeseburgers throughout the day

Why were the sneakers so sad? Because they had ten issues.

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer.

What’s long and hard on a black guy? The first grade

What sits in the middle of the world wide web ? A very very big spider !

Heroin really messed up my household… All the spoons are missing.