Why are all these jokes about unhappy relationships? Said my wife as she looked over my shoulder. What a nosy fucking bitch.

So Kanye had another kid… He named it Wild Wild

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The “head” nurse.

“Hey, it’s been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)

Sometimes I tell my And I laugh at them.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

What grazes in the Higgs Field? The Higgs Bison!

Why is there no Windows 9 ? Because Windows 7 8 9.

It sucks that Mary and Joseph couldn’t get a room at an inn….. but what were they expecting not having a reservation on Christmas Eve of all nights!

Please don’t be curly Please don’t be curly Please don’t be curly I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food