Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

People say there is power in numbers. Say that to 6 million jews. -Jimmy carr

What’s the difference between David Blaine and the NRA? The former has a cunning array of stunts

How does Peter Pan fly? If someone hit you in the Peter with a Pan, you’d fly too.

I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch. I can’t afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*

Another “Priceless” joke. Vodka 19.99. Motel room 64.99. Condoms 9.99. Finding out she swallows and likes it in the ass? Priceless! Fuck Mastercard, it pays to Discover

A friend of ours is practicing baking apple pies. She brings them over to our house and later asks us how we liked it. I tell her “You need more practice.”

My favorite book to read on the toilet is “The Shining.” It scares the shit outta me.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

What’s brown and sticky? Anal.