I’m 36 but have the body an 18-year-old The police are pretty upset about it.

I once tried to write a book about my thoughts But there’s only so much you can put in a suicide note.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank] Why do you think people hate us so much? “Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

What do you call a queue of boxers? A punchline.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?

A: You look nice today, is that a new shirt and haircut? B: I masturbated yesterday, So I had to clean up afterwards. And one thing lead to another. Hair trimming included.

Adrian Veidt’s wife walks into his bedroom and finds him with another woman. As she approaches him with angry tears, he says “I did it 35 minutes ago.”

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

What’s the difference between the ISIS headquarters and a kindergarten? I don’t know, I just fly the drone.