What does a sick deception eat? A bowl of Chicken noodle coupe

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? Short.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone. Available at all times. Unless his wife’s around.

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

Why do the french have so many civil wars? Because they like to win one every now and then

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his entire family

My phone got arrested today… It was charged with battery.

What do you call a twig that won’t stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.