I was looking in the mirror this morning and noticed a tiny bald patch on the top of my head. It appeared out of thin hair.

Jared Fogle got 15 years 8 months. But officer, she told me she was 18!

I bet people who see Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich freak out over latte art.

lol so good https://soundcloud.com/yung-palmtree

There was a sixth Spice Girl named Pumpkin Spice but she only sang about Uggs and Instagram.

Why did the vampire take up acting? It was in his blood.

TIFU by being a loner Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

Sometimes I feel bad for thugs when I realize they can’t enjoy a cup of hot cocoa with a bunch of marshmallows without risking street cred.

Whats red, white, and hangs from a telephone pole? A dead baby shot out of a snowblower.

[Meeting] CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we- BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]