Sandpaper I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Gosh, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis

I met a guy recently who was a really good runner, but could only win races in wet weather. They call him the Raining Champion.

Why do legs have to be at least 25 inches long? They’re over two feet

What do you call a trespassing camper? Criminal intent

[Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

How do you start a teddy bear race ? Ready teddy go !

If my girlfriend has six oranges in one hand and seven apples in the other, what has she got? No chance of blocking an uppercut.

Q: What is a ‘forum’? A: Two-um plus two-um.