What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they’re both stuck up bitches

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to turkey!

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly. Edit: an adverb.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

Mary had a little lamb. …and she was delicious!

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer: IT guy: Have you tried punching it? Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Is it a blow job or a blowjob? Fuck I hate writing thank you cards…

Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: “WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?”

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Canada is not a vast empty woodland. Our monetary system proves our civility. 5 beavers is worth a caribou 4 caribous are worth a loon And 2 loons are worth a polar bear.