What do a horny ornithologist and a Na’vi buff have in common? They both get turned on by blue tits.

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn’t… I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

Wanna meet Santa’s little helper?

I was going to grease my mechanic’s hand with a $20 bill for the phenomenal job he did but … he already overcharged me by $200.

How do like really laid-back types answer the phone? Mellow.

My niece was fired from the chicken farm today She was caught poaching eggs

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLologist.

netflix First comes netflix then comes chill next comes babby because mommy forgot the pill

Make it a Great Friday by not getting nailed to a cross.