The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies! I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

You know the world is corrupted…. When people buy the 2015 Macbook.

“HULK WANT LOAN.” Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.” “GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??” Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

Just found out I’m willing to drive 40mph over the speed limit to prevent a PT Cruiser from passing me.

What’s the difference between my ex girlfriend and ebola? At least Ebola will finish me off

If you need your iPhone repaired in Jerusalem, you obviously go to the Genius Bar. There, they don’t serve alcohol…, ….but there’s plenty of Apple Jews.

I went to Oklahoma recently ,It was pretty ok