I met this amazing girl while speed dating. We stayed up all night and day just talking and giggling and I guess speed will do that to you.

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once: Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.

Why did the junkie walk into the pet store? To buy some quack croakaine!

My wife once told me that she ingested fecal matter while in the womb I like to give her crap about it.

Your selfie would be way better if you weren’t in it.

Wanna hear a Joke about a Jump rope? Nah, let’s just skip it.

What is Red and Smells like Blue Paint? Red Paint