Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic? He wanders through life wondering if there is a dog

one time I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly beans and when I took it out all the black one stole my rings and watch

I’m not saying your mom is fat but she’d be worth a lot more in the UK

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going? ME: Jealous much?

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!” – Cat game shows

Why did the milking stool only have three legs? Because the cow has the udder

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died

Say what you want about pedophiles At least they go the speed limit in school zones..