A man got arrested for assaulting someone with a defibrillator. The victim said that he was gonna press charges.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Hide a Body? What’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies… and idiots!

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

“i want to love you, but i have crust issues.” -pizza on a date i dont know i hate myself

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on. Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

Why did the emo kid leave the bar? It was happy hour.

The Unabomber What do the Unabomber and a girl from Alabama have in common? They were both fingered by their brother.

I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar A guy came up to me and said “Your days are numbered”