Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.

A woman in her seventies overhearing that I was a tattoo artist asked if I wanted to see her “rat” tattoo. I said sure. She revealed a bare hip and said “Oh, I guess my pussy must have ate it”

What is the dumbest animal? An ignoraMOOSE

What’s the definition of a will? Come on guys it’s a dead giveaway

Two cookies were walking across the road… … one gets hit by a car, the other one says “ah crumbs…”

How did the sad clown smile and laugh again? They told him his wife died recently.

If two pharaohs farted at the same time They would have a toot in common

What’s the difference between acetone and Hitler? One is used to remove the polish, and the other is used to remove the Polish.

A Zach Galifinakis-style “impression” joke. The character I’m working on is: MOMENTARILY CONFUSED BATMAN <husky voice>: Alfred… <regular voice>: Ahem… I mean hey Alfred

I invented a SJW alarm clock. It not only tells you the time, it reminds you what year it is, too.