When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

A teacher walks into a bar Guy: can I buy you a drink? Teacher: I don’t know, CAN you?

*Sneaks into men’s toilets* I HEAR THERE’S CAKE IN HERE

What sound does a Chinese roller coaster make as it goes up an incline? chink chink chink chink

it is hard to b scared of a angry person once u realize that they just wanted to tie a knot but insted of using string they used their arms

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently

I think my professor might not know my name. He keeps on correcting it with the word “Late” on all my papers.

Oh, you want me to watch everything you have in less than the one-month free trial period? Challenge accepted, Netflix.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman? I smell carrots too.