What has two eyes but can’t see, two wings but can’t fly, and two legs but can’t walk? A dead bird.

What do you get when you mix triangles with Tumblr? Trigger-Nometry

What do you call a dog that is a magician? A Labara Cadabarador

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight? Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week. 8: What? Me: Nothing. 8: I’m telling mom.

What did Kurt Kobain have such a terrible time in 7th grade? He was having a mid-life crisis.

I like my women like I like my microwaves… Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a bitch

Why don’t women need a watch? There’s a clock on the stove.

What the hell is Minecraft? Hitler’s lesser known, second, book about his love of knitting.

Monday Morning……Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off the floor is another story.