Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?” Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

After a dream I had last night, credits rolled. I had no idea so many people worked on those things.

Why was the band late to their gig? Because the drummer locked himself in the car with the keys.

I See your 7 year old jokes and I raise my own, What do you get when you cross the ocean with a Train Station? A Whale Way

When your 3yo spits a chewed up wad of cheese into your hand and you’re like “where did you find this, I didn’t give you any cheese today?”

Why are the labia on Japanese women oriented sideways instead of vertically? Goes better with their eyes.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when… The tree you swerved for is actually the air-freshener.

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

Waiter is there soup on the menu ? No madam I wiped it off !

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU 1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP