What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date? He wax off

I cant get on Tumblr anymore… My doctor told me to cut down on Trans-Fats

I was going to major in cosmetology.. ..but then they shut down the space program.. idiots.

Why do melons have traditional marriages? Because they cantaloupe

Did you hear the one about the perfume store? I heard their manufacturing was in an ol’ factory.

What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.

Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

[first date] Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa* Him: You look nice tonight Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I couldn’t afford to take my kids to Sea World. So I took them to our local fish market, saying, “Shhhh… they’re all asleep.”

What is worse than biting through an apple, and finding a worm inside? ~~Rape~~ The picky fuckers on this website.