What’s the alien version of Facebook? Spacebook. (It’s a terrible joke I know).

[commercial] [man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats] MAN: There has to be a better way! Narrator: DOGS

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

South Africa

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

What to toilet paper and the starship enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

What cars do wolves drive? Auuuuuuuuuuuuudis!

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.

I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.