Fifty Shades of Grey instills that if a dude is sexy and rich you should allow him contractual ownership of your body because helicopters.

My wife caught me masturbating to one of those magic eye pictures. I told her it’s not what it looks like

How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

Two polar bears were sitting in a bathtub The first one says “Give me the soap”. The second one says “no soap. radio”.

My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they’ve gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.

Even reddit goes down more often… than my girlfriend.

Two ducks are arguing in a bar about quantum physics… One turns to the other and says, ‘Quark Quark’ The other says, I’ll have a Harvey Schrodinger, thanks’.

I want to study… the area below your curves… It is integral.

Argument with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement… . . . . . At the end, you ignore everything and click ‘I agree’.