My clients have a 86% survival rate, which makes me an above-average babysitter.

What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with? An alarm, you pervert!

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.

Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion.

What’s the key to long lasting Relationships? Not breaking up

There are two hats on a hanger… The broken one says to the other: “You go on a head…”

What kind of computer can sing? A Dell.

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He’s out standing in his field.

Find someone who can make you happy, like a doctor or pharmacist….basically anyone who has access to mood-enhancing drugs.

A little boy walked into a police station “I lost my daddy” says the boy. “We’ll look for him son, don’t worry: what’s he like?” asked the officer. “Liquor and women.”