You can tell a lot about a woman from her shoes If they’re behind her ears, she likes you

I won’t sit back and let gay people marry. But I’ll let big oil melt the icecaps because I believe in a lil’ something called freedom. #tcot

Where do pencils go for vacation? Pencil-vania.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

What’s the fastest thing in Bulgaria? Light

I went to this zoo the other day, but there was only one dog inside. It was a shitzu.

So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

Mike Tyson wanted me to add him online But I couldn’t find him on faithbook.com

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings poking me in the ribs and cackling telling me “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

To a necrophiliac, what is the only thing better than a human-sized refrigerator? A human-sized microwave.