You smell like trash….. Can I take you out?

My laptop is so dumb. Every time it says “Your password is incorrect”, I type in: “incorrect” and the silly thing still tells me the same thing.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

As a kid I was forced to walk the plank… We couldn’t afford a dog

gave my wife a pedicure just so I could write in my diary “I nailed her…10 TIMES IN A ROW”. Ha ha, jokes on you, Masculinity.

I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator. He was such a flatterer.

i’m a homewrecker in the sense that i got sick out both ends in the attic and it soaked through the ceiling in 3 different rooms

What does a pirate call his idiot son? A retarrrrrd