I loaned my cell phone to Bill Cosby Now I can’t get it to wake up.

whats the secret service of Australia called? M8

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last tweet.

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he’s homeless.

What do you call a black man who flies a plane? [2 part] A pilot, you racist. What do you call a Japanese man who flies a plane? A pirate.

do all girls make poopy? if they do, why do men get hard for them?

What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill.

What’s the definition of a redneck virgin? A 7 year-old girl who can run faster than her brothers.

What did the sign convention management do to the woman who kept pulling down their long signs? Banner.