My wife’s credit card got stolen and she doesn’t know how… I do, I’ve been praying for a financial miracle.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night… But it’s OK. I don’t think we could have stayed anyway, we didn’t have a reservation.

I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection”, but she did.

Everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right?

If you want to set up and run a small company… …that’s your business

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

Damn girl, are you a pig? Because your mother looks like a pig. Because you look damn hot bacon in the Sun. Because I want to stuff you like Thanksgiving dinner. . . . More suggestions appreciated