Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies!

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.. then watched them fight over who heard it first.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and me ? Santa Only Cums Once A Year

It’s green but when you press a button it turns red. A frog in a blender.

Late to Fight Club Was late to my Fight Club last night so I missed the intro rules. I love Fight Club, I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

Billy Mays is in heaven now… Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it’s $19.99.