“So, doctor, do I have cancer or not?” “Oh Jesus Christ, holy shit, tons of it,” said the doctor to Martin Shkreli.

What do James Cameron and M. Night Shamylan have in common? Icy dead people.

On TV shows, answering machines are actually saying leave a message after the fuck.

Harry is a? Fucking WIZARD!

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse? They really know how to make bedrock.

What do you call someone who discriminates you for your oral hygiene? A dent*ist*.

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “isn’t that what you give dad when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”

how to get into shape: 1. punch a bear 2. run. this is your life now

Money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.