[around campfire] ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song? KIDS: Yeah! ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? (Slightly NSFW) A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

What did the pirates say who stole Kim Kardashians jewelry? We wanted her booty!

I always eat at McDonald’s when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

My wife’s star sign was cancer and it’s actually quite ironic how she died.. She was attacked by a crab.

[at funeral] “it was so sudden” really? “yeah right in the middle of rap battle” I thought you said he died of dysentery TERRY: That’s right

Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.

Well I was going to donate blood today until…. the lady got all personal and started asking, “Who’s blood is this?” and “How did you get it?”