I just killed a man and his death is everywhere! (Ate a piece of toast and made some crumbs, dramatized for your entertainment *bow*)

What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff? Nothing, she had her mittens on.

The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It’s $5 if you make your own bed. Guest: I’ll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.

I don’t know what I would do if I got to Greece… …and couldn’t get a single gyro.

[first date] I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous “That’s okay” Yeah…. *jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

I was planning on taking my little girls to the start of summer village fair today, but its raining, windy and cold so we decided not to go. May weather won.

You have to chose between your SO and one million dollars. What is the first thing you would buy?

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.