This morning I went for a run and came back home after 2 mins because I forgot something… I forgot that I was fat and could only run for 2 mins.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I’ll never forget the words of my late Grandfather… “Sorry I’m late.”

The economy is so bad I went to buy a toaster and they gave me a bank.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one. Me: H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan” [Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

A job interview. What’s your worst quality? Honesty. Well, i don’t think that honesty is a bad quality.. I don’t give a fuck what you think.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

why did hitler commit suicide? Because he saw the gas bill (Thanks nofx)

They’re remaking Ocean’s 11 with an all-female cast and it’s gonna be called Ocean’s 8 It’s that damn wage gap I tell ya!