[Enter restaurant] WIFE: See if you can get us a table ME: Ok [1 minute later] ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Can I get a pina colada please. ‘This is Starbucks’ Sorry, can I have venti pina colada.

Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat? Cause if they rolled forwards, they would still be in the boat.

What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs? Adele

What do you get when you combine Avogadro’s number of avocados? GuacaMole!

I showed up later to dinner yesterday because I was baking a turkey. I’m the turkey. Il see myself to the kitchen table.

Wanna heare a joke about potassium? K

Nothing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

How do you know when a mongol is level? He’s drooling from both corners of his mouth.

Why did everyone bring a quiche to Sean Connery’s party? It was leave your keys at the door.