What kind of headphones are sold in 50 shades of grey? Beats

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics? Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

“That’ll be $15.99 please” “Do you take giant revolving badgers?” *cashier grabs me by the throat* “We ONLY take giant revolving badgers”

My grandfather’s holocaust stories aren’t half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.

Listen, I hate you… I’m just not… IN hate with you.

“Why do white people like cheese so much?” Because they’re made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.

can’t now.. having an heated argument with my toaster.

Proper punctuation… Proper punctuation is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse” It’s a classic, but a good one

The Walking Dead Season Finale Check back in six months for the punchline.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.