Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn’t know where the Rockies were. Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

Q) How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather? A) He’s got bugs on his teeth.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…” *Go to a bar you Hate *Put $50 in the Jukebox *Play nothing but Nickelback *Leave

Two guys walk into a bar.. The third guy ducked.

That Hamburger Helper hand guy. There’s a twin out there, right? Didn’t go into showbiz. Maybe an accountant or something.

Come on, there has got to be at least one business like show business.

How many Jews does it take to change Hitler’s mind? None, there has to be no Jews.

A priest, a rabbi and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, “Bejesus, I’m in the wrong joke!”

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.