I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight…. Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

I lost my job at the hospital today for sexual assault…. It’s not my fault that they put up a sign that said, ‘stroke patients downstairs’.

Why can’t you tell secrets in a corn field? …because there are too many ears.

Why don’t I take my guinea pigs on walksies It’s hard on my cavies

I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red

How can you tell Russians are bad at driving stick? cause their cars are always Stalin

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband. Me: And your point is…?

The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, “Which one is the ‘in’ door?” “Let me show you”, says the manager, and ‘e walks in.

The other day, I was looking through my socks, when I found one had a hole in it… “darn it…” I muttered.