[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he’s a crossing guard dad

What’s the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One’s a cunning runt and the other’s a running cunt.

Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

Ay’ girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

The only thing better than sarcasm… is irony.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.

How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad’s cock tastes like blood.

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include “being fucking awesome at everything.”