I repaired my drum set after my son broke it… … … Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun… I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn’t that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Funeral Home Barbie …complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud

What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You’re welcome.

What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw