My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It’s all over now.

me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi’s fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.

How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

Don’t touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat …. Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish

The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.

The people in this ad look ‘indie’ & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.