A hawk snatched my gf’s chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

Why don’t prison inmates just use liquid soap?

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.

What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk

Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!

new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?

Why didn’t the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting? He knew that some of them wouldn’t miss the blind …