Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and says, “I’m going to shoot whoever slept with my wife”! A man shouts from the back, “You don’t got enough bullets, bud”!

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That’s not my stile.

The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he’s bored? He racism.

Q. What does a woman’s asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said “Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore….”

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.