Well, I had to break up with the baker i’ve been dating She was just too kneady

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful

TIL I’m genetically predisposed to love heroin It’s in my blood

How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other’s sentences

I’m a terrible singer, I have two left throats

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil

A bird pooped on my head today…Am I gonna die? I mean, I’m kinda worried about getting sick from it but mostly I hope this made someone’s day.

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]