*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest* Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza? Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Why does Anna’s mom encourage her daughter to experiment with sexuality? Because she lives bicuriously through others .

The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and be awarded eternal life” John came fifth and was awarded a toaster

Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??

Thought I could safely force a fart… But it backfired.

What’s the best kind of grass? Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.

Why doesn’t Hitler go ski? Cause he’s blown his fucking head.

How to get a Jewish girl’s number? Roll up her sleeve…

The definition of spin