My friend asked me… My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it’s 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

Just once I’d like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

“I’ll be a dentist. Then they’ll love me.” “We’re terrified of dentists.” “I’ll kill a lion!” “It was a beloved lion with a name.” “Dammit.”

I’m never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I’ll suck yo dick for a Upvote

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i’m pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on