I feel quite light today. Pounds aren’t what they used to be.

How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.

What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.

I showed my son a floppy disk today… …he said: ‘oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon’

How to get a job… Interviewer: “What’s your biggest weakness?” Interviewee: “I never learn from my mistakes” Interviewer: “Oh, why’s that?” Interviewee: “I never make any”

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?” Day Two: Murder

When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.

Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls

What’s a lumberjack’s favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…