A Kiss can make my whole day… But anal could make my hole weak

I’m not saying that girl’s a slut… But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.

*calls into work* “yo boss i’m real sick” “you don’t sound sick…” “ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys” “wow u do sound hella sick”

What’s the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn’t leave a hole.

How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

I just released my mixtape in Tianjin. It was da bomb. Too soon?

What’s the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.

Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] “why isn’t he wearing a shirt” we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote